Two Year Update: Before I share this post, I wanted to talk a little bit about my faith now, two years later. Oh friends, how deep and wide my spiritual life has grown! I’ve studied so many religions, and have learned an awful lot. I’ve circled back to my heritage (since yes, I believe that I was born into a Catholic family as was baptized as an infant for a reason), and now am able to see the beauty in a lot of what I would consider Christian mythology. Contrary to the title of this post, I do call myself a Christian, as in I aim to follow Jesus with my whole heart. Not to be saved from “hell,” but to connect with the Source he so clearly pointed the Way to. It would take lots and lots of words to flesh out exactly what I believe at the moment, but I am thankful for the evolution that my faith has taken, and will likely continue to take as I grow closer to God. God is so good and kind. My hope is to somehow or someway contribute to the evolution of Christianity into a spiritual path that points to ultimate truth instead of its current highly debatable religious dogmas.

(Hey, guys. You are about to read a deeply personal post about my faith journey. If you are not interested in this topic, please feel free to skip this article. If you are interested, I ask you to please be kind. I’ve spent hundreds of hours studying and making this decision.)

I can hardly believe that I am writing this post. I’ve thought about it at least 100 times, and then decided it was not the time. I’ve thought about making a video, but decided I just couldn’t do that yet. But friends, you mean a lot to me. I want to be fully authentic with you! Therefore, I am writing to you today.

My husband told me that I don’t owe anyone an explanation, and in a way, I don’t. My personal life is my personal life. At the same time, I have written a lot of posts through the years pertaining to my Christian faith. I know a lot of people here come to read Christian content. You are all important to me, and I want to share a little bit about what’s going on around here.

I’ve considered writing a long explanation, which in the end, I kind of did. I probably could write a book easily, though. I am going to try to condense my thoughts and leave links to resources I’ve read if you want to understand my current point of view further. Also, I know cognitive dissonance is a real thing, and your first reaction will probably be to reject what I’m saying as heresy. Please understand that I am not trying to change anyone’s mind, but only to explain what changed mine. I think this is important after posting so much about my Christian faith through the years.

This is my story, and I absolutely respect everyone here, along with their religion. You are all so important, and I understand that religion can play a beautiful part in our lives.

I was a Christian for three decades, and a very serious Christian for over twelve years. I spent much of my time reading the Bible, studying, and praying. More than anything, I wanted to live my life in a way that was pleasing to the God of the Bible. I changed what I watched, what I read and listened to, what I wore, what holidays I celebrated, and much more. I was totally devout, and I was willing to do anything to grow closer to God in the way I knew it…in the realm of American Evangelical Christianity. I believed the Bible was inspired and inerrant. As most of us do, I usually studied the Bible in a devotional way, instead of in a historical/critical way.

Despite my devotional reading, along with all of my study I ran into contradictions from time to time. I did everything I could to make those contradictions make sense. Over time, my beliefs transitioned from Contemporary, to Southern Baptist, to Reformed Baptist, to Messianic. When I found a contradiction in whatever denomination I was in, I would research more until I found a different explanation that seemed to connect the dots better.

By the time the end of 2022 rolled around, my faith definitely couldn’t be defined in a neat little box.

I had not believed in the Trinity since around 2017, because I decided the person of the Holy Spirit was not clearly defined in Scripture and the verses that did seem to reference the doctrine were likely interpolations. For example, the Johannine Comma. Also, I questioned the Trinitarian baptism formula found in Matthew 28. I decided that it was likely not found in the original manuscript. If this formula was actually given to the disciples in Matthew, why was it not used in Acts? I could never understand why in Acts, followers of Jesus were baptized in his name only.

Additionally, I did not believe that the Orthodox Christian concept of hell as an eternal place of torment was Biblical.

I had not considered Paul’s writings to be Scripture for about a year or so at that time. Again, I found too many contradictions in his writing and I could not believe that God would speak through Paul rudely. For example, “I wish that the people who are upsetting you would go all the way; let them go and castrate themselves.” (Galatians 5:12) The more I learned about Paul, the less I liked him. Paul referred to the gospel message as “his gospel” on occasion, and he saw his own suffering “filling up what was lacking in Christ’s suffering.” (Colossians 1:24) To the Christian, should there be any “lack” in Christ’s suffering?

Regarding Paul, so many dots were finally connected once I began reading and listening to scholarly material about him. Finally, everything made sense! One book that helped my understanding about Paul in particular was Paul and Jesus by James D. Tabor. I highly, highly recommend it. The cognitive dissonance might be strong at first, especially when reading about Jesus from a historical perspective rather than from a religious one. If you can get through that, I really think your eyes might be opened regarding Paul. Dr. Tabor also wrote Paul’s Ascent to Paradise, which is on my “to read” list. This book was his doctoral thesis to my understanding, so it probably is a more scholarly read.

By summer 2022, I had come to the conclusion that Jesus was not God by studying many different historical sources. In my mind, he was the son of God, but not God the Son. If you would like a concise read on the topic, I would suggest the book Christ Before Creeds. I still thought he was the messiah prophesied in the Old Testament, though.

So, now we are where things really began to change for me. Looking back, I realize my deconstruction process was years in the making, but I didn’t see it for what it was at the time.

In December 2022 I contemplated where I wanted my studies to go that year. I decided my “Word of the Year” would be righteousness. Friends, my heart and soul was to learn how to grow closer to God. I decided to start studying Jewish sources because Christian and Messianic sources were not answering my questions. Well, they answered questions, but usually in a way that didn’t seem quite right to me. In studying Judaism, I discovered that Jews were permitted to pray in mosques, but not in churches. This opened up another can of worms for me as I sought to answer, why?

By late January/February of 2023, I had decided that Jesus was likely not the messiah. This was hugely difficult for me. I spent many hours in prayer, begging God to please make this clear to me and show me that Jesus was the messiah. In the end, I didn’t get the confirmation I was looking for. I remember feeling so nervous to tell my husband what I was thinking. I finally mustered the courage as we were driving to jog at a local park. He took it in stride, but I could tell he was kind of surprised by what I was saying! We have stayed pretty much in tune with each other religiously through the years, so he shared my skepticism about a lot of things, but not the messianic claims of Jesus yet.

What pulled my faith apart more than anything was the discovery (in my mind, at least) that the New Testament was not inerrant. For example, the discrepancies in the crucifixion/resurrection accounts in Matthew, Luke, and John were pretty substantial. Most of the resurrection account in Mark is a later interpolation. I believe the New Testament writers really believed “the end of all things was at hand,” and I couldn’t explain it away as I used to. Paul promoted no marriage (even if you were engaged…the end must be soon), not to worry if you were a slave, and said concerns for your physical body were not important. But the end, or “kingdom of God” did not appear in his lifetime. Apocalyptic hopes were great in first century Judea, and Jesus followed other similar “messiahs” in the same time period whose stories are not contained in the Bible. Perhaps you are familiar with apocalyptic ideas. These hopes have continued to this day in Christian circles.

After lots of study, I realized that in Judaism the purpose of the Davidic Messiah was to inaugurate the kingdom of God on earth…the first time. I believe Christianity invented the concept of “the second coming” because Jesus did not fulfill what the Hebrew Scriptures said the Messiah was to do. Once a “messiah” died, all hope was lost. There have been many hopefuls throughout Jewish history.

Paul’s message failed as well. In 1st Thessalonians 4:15-17 (RSV), Paul writes, “For this we declare to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, shall not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the archangel’s call, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first; then we who are alive, who are left, shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air; and so we shall always be with the Lord.”

If you read the text plainly and in context, Paul is writing that “we” (himself included) will be alive at the “coming of the Lord.” This is an early letter of Paul, and his tune started to change near the end of his life. But I cannot ignore the fact that Paul was wrong about this. I do not believe this is God’s Word.

I also started to see many cases where I believed New Testament writers misquoted Old Testament texts, and Old Testament texts were mistranslated by the church in later centuries to “write in” prophesies of Jesus where there were none to begin with.

Here are a few New Testament examples, along with the Old Testament verses they are supposedly referencing. Your Bible should note these quotations at the bottom of the page.

Therefore, when Christ came into the world, he said: “Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, but a body you prepared for me; (Hebrews 10:5, quoting Psalm 40:6)

Psalm 40:6 says, “Sacrifice and offering you did not desire— but my ears you have opened.”

To me, this is a big difference. It is a changing of the text to accommodate the Christian doctrine of Jesus’ life as a man, culminating in his blood sacrifice on the cross and resurrection.

Here is another:

“I will open my mouth in parables; I will utter things which have been kept secret from the foundation of the world.” (Matthew 13:35, referencing Psalm 78:2)

Psalm 78:2-3 says, “I will open my mouth in a parable: I will utter dark sayings of old: Which we have heard and known, and our fathers have told us.”

These verses are completely opposed to each other. I believe Matthew is probably trying to write in the “mystery” Paul often refers to in his letters. But “mystery” was not a concept of the Hebrew Scriptures, or Old Testament. So many things began to make sense to me once I understood that Paul’s letters were older than the gospel accounts, and I now believe Paul essentially invented Christianity based on his visions alone.

In Galatians 1, Paul writes, “For you have heard of my previous way of life in Judaism, how intensely I persecuted the church of God and tried to destroy it. I was advancing in Judaism beyond many of my own age among my people and was extremely zealous for the traditions of my fathers. But when God, who set me apart from my mother’s womb and called me by his grace, was pleased to reveal his Son in me so that I might preach him among the Gentiles, my immediate response was not to consult any human being. I did not go up to Jerusalem to see those who were apostles before I was, but I went into Arabia. Later I returned to Damascus. Then after three years, I went up to Jerusalem to get acquainted with Cephas (Peter) and stayed with him fifteen days. (v. 13-18)

From Paul’s pen, we know that after his vision he did not consult with any human being, but instead went into Arabia by himself. This is different from the Acts account, but I believe the Galatians account holds more weight since Paul himself was writing it.

Again, I highly recommend reading about Paul from a historical/critical perspective.

And finally, this one.

“…as it is written, The Deliverer shall come out of Zion. He shall turn away ungodliness from Jacob:” (Romans 11:26, quoting Isaiah 59:20)

Isaiah 59:20 says, “The Redeemer will come to Zion, to those in Jacob who repent of their sins,” declares the Lord.”

In Romans, it says that the Deliverer will come out of Zion to turn away ungodliness from Jacob (Israel). In Isaiah, it says that the Deliverer will come to Zion after Israel has already repented of their sins. In Romans, it’s up to the Deliverer. In Isaiah, it’s up to Israel. This sounds like one of the main differences between Jewish and Christian theology, doesn’t it?

You might have noticed that many Old Testament quotations in the New Testament are from the Septuagint (LXX). A lot of apologists use this fact to explain the differences. The problem with this is that during the 1st century, very likely the only books translated into Greek were the Torah (Pentateuch). The other OT books (including Psalms and Isaiah, which I quoted above) were translated much later in an unreliable way. If you can get your hands on a Septuagint, the preface will note that it does not reliably follow the Hebrew in many places. I also asked myself, “Why would God use an unreliable Greek manuscript to transmit his Word?” He is God, after all. Also, if the KJV Bible is fully inerrant as is (as some believe), then why the contradictions?

I was also troubled by the translation of “almah” as “virgin” in Matthew and Isaiah 7:14. Many Bible translations now correctly translate the word in Isaiah as “young woman”, with no implication of sexual purity. Isaiah was giving this prophecy to King Ahaz regarding the military threat he was facing. If Isaiah meant “virgin,” then were there two virgin births… one during the reign of King Ahaz, and also Mary?

I also came to the conclusion that God probably wouldn’t want a human sacrificed to atone for the sin of the world. In the Old Testament, human sacrifice is condemned. The story of Abraham and Isaac doesn’t foreshadow Jesus in my mind anymore. It possibly would if Isaac was actually sacrificed, but God said, “No, don’t do it!” And yes, I realize that in Orthodox Christianity Jesus is God…fully God and fully man. But the thing is, God cannot die. God is immortal. So did just the human part of Jesus die? I know a lot of this is addressed in early church creeds, but not to my satisfaction.

I think it’s important to mention that blood sacrifice is not always prescribed for sin in the Mosaic law. Grain offerings are sometimes allowed, and intention also was very important. In general, sacrifices covered unintentional sins, but not intentional sins. Intentional sins were dealt with through the court system, and were usually punishable by “cutting off” the offender or death. Here is a post about this topic and what role the Day of Atonement might play.

To an extent, I think we’ve sanitized the fact that Christianity is based on a human/God blood sacrifice, which sounds very familiar to stories found in mythology.

After making the painful decision that I did not believe the New Testament is inspired, I turned my attention to the Old Testament. Was this the path God wanted me to walk in? I bought book after book about becoming a Noahide (a Righteous Gentile in a Jewish sense).

I then started to look to rabbinic sources to help explain the difficult Old Testament verses that portrayed God as harsh, and even cruel.

For example, I was curious about Job’s suffering. Some Jewish sources explain that Job (or Job’s mother, depending on the source) was a reincarnation of Terah, Abraham’s idol making father. Job was being punished for his (or his mother’s) sins in his/her past life. This could make sense, except the text doesn’t allude to that at all, in my opinion. Jewish thought teaches that there is no tribulation without prior transgression. It explains bad choices in past lives as the reason for some of our trials in this life.

There was more in the Old Testament I just couldn’t understand. Why was God’s answer to (some) sin animal sacrifice (which seemed like a common, ancient ritual), and why the “sweet smelling aroma?” Why the verse, “Happy is the one who seizes your infants and dashes them against rocks?” (Psalm 137:9) Did God write that? (Remember, I come from the spiritual tradition that every word in the Bible comes straight from God.) Why was polygamy allowed? Why all the wars killing children and women?

Still, so much didn’t make sense, in a rational way. Even the Jewish answers seemed far-fetched. I had a lot of questions! The answer, “Because the Bible said so,” wasn’t cutting it anymore. I was starting to think that perhaps God did not write the Hebrew Scriptures. God was bigger (and better) than the Bible.

My husband sent me a link for a book discussing the Old Testament in a historical and critical way during my frustration of trying to “figure it all out.”

Friends, I didn’t want to read that book. I cried thinking about it. Would it tear down more of my beliefs? I didn’t know if I could take it anymore. At the same time, I just wanted my faith to make sense.

Well, I read the book and dots that I thought couldn’t be connected started to connect.

I’m not going to get into a lot of detail, but I began to see how the ancient Israelite religion and Yahweh worship mirrored the surrounding cultures in a lot of ways, and likely it wasn’t pure, true religion. I think oftentimes religion is invented to explain and make sense of the things we experience in life. Psalm 137:4 says, “How can we sing the songs of Yahweh while in a foreign land?” after the nation was defeated. In ancient times, nations had a deity (or deities) that represented their land. Like a flag in our day and age. Yahweh was that deity for Israel. It was unthinkable to imagine how Yahweh could be worshiped anywhere other than in Israel/Judea. I think perhaps this ancient form of Israelite religion morphed into something quite different today.

An example of how nations near ancient Israel were similar in some of their religious beliefs can be found in the Mesha Stele. The Mesha Stele or Moabite Stone tells how Chemosh, the god of Moab, had been angry with his people and had allowed them to be subjugated to the Kingdom of Israel, but at length Chemosh returned and assisted Mesha to throw off the yoke of Israel and restore the lands of Moab. 

Sound familar? A lot of this type of wording can be found in the Hebrew Scriptures if you transpose the names Chemosh and Yahweh.

The word Yhwh (Yahweh) is found over 6,800 times in the Old Testament/Hebrew Scriptures. It is usually translated as LORD in Christian Bibles.

I had to step away from blind faith to finally understand a lot of Biblical concepts. For example, Exodus 20:3 and Deuteronomy 5:7 says, “You shall have no other gods before me.” I was always taught in Christianity that “other gods” meant anything you put before God…your spouse, your family, anything. But now I see that the Ancient Israelites likely did believe in many gods, which is why the verse reads like it does. I also considered verses like Psalm 86:8. “Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord; Nor are there any works like your works.”

In the Song of Moses, several verses imply that when Elyon (which is also the name of the chief Canaanite god) divided the nations at the Tower of Babel or Babylon, he gave each of them a son of God to rule over them. Yahweh was named the God of Israel (also known as Jacob), just like Chemosh might have been named the God of Moab. If you would like more information about if the correct translation is ‘Sons of Israel’ or ‘Sons of God’ in these verses, this is a good article.

Deuteronomy 32:8-9 (RSV) reads:

“When the Most High (Elyon – also an Ancient Canaanite chief god) gave to the nations their inheritance,
    when he separated the sons of men,
he fixed the bounds of the peoples
    according to the number of the sons of God.
For the Lord’s (Yhwh’s) portion is his people,
    Jacob his allotted heritage.”

Over time, Israel became monotheistic. But how? Psalm 82:1-8 explains how Ancient Israel went from recognizing many gods, to becoming a monotheistic nation. I’m quoting the RSV version below again, because it appears to be close to the Hebrew. Most English versions are not in this instance. A good lecture about the existence of multiple gods in the Hebrew Bible can be found here.

“God has taken his place in the divine council;
    in the midst of the gods he holds judgment:
“How long will you judge unjustly
    and show partiality to the wicked? Selah
Give justice to the weak and the fatherless;
    maintain the right of the afflicted and the destitute.
Rescue the weak and the needy;
    deliver them from the hand of the wicked.”

They have neither knowledge nor understanding,
    they walk about in darkness;
    all the foundations of the earth are shaken.

I say, “You are gods,
    sons of the Most High, all of you;
nevertheless, you shall die like men,
    and fall like any prince.”

Arise, O God, judge the earth.”

Yahweh sentenced the other gods to mortality and death since they were not doing a good job judging their nations, apparently. Now Yahweh will judge the whole earth, according to this text.

You can read more about Yahwism/Ancient Israelite religion here.

I now think my Christian faith was based on an Ancient Israelite monolatrous religion and its covenants which have nothing to do with my life as an American woman living in the 21st century.

I no longer believe the Bible is inspired. I no longer believe the Creator is the God of the Bible.

This is crazy to me, considering how serious I once was about the Bible’s authority over my life. I was willing to do anything to live up to its standards.

After a lot of deep contemplation, I still believe God has been in so much of my life even though the Christian faith I used to attribute this to is no more. I think a piece of God is in the creation, including you and me. The Creator is in wisdom, and virtues. God is in my conscience.

“But some, perhaps, will say: Are we to have no word of God – no revelation? I answer, Yes; there is a word of God; there is a revelation.

THE WORD OF GOD IS THE CREATION WE BEHOLD, and it is in this word, which no human invention can counterfeit or alter, that God speaketh universally to man…

…It is only in the CREATION that all our ideas and conceptions of a word of God can unite. The Creation speaketh an universal language, independently of human speech or human language, multiplied and various as they may be. IT is an ever-existing original, which every man can read. It cannot be forged, it cannot be suppressed. It does not depend upon the will of man whether it shall be published or not; it publishes itself from one end of the earth to the other. It preaches to all nations and to all worlds; and this word of God reveals to man all that is necessary for man to know of God.”

-from Age of Reason by Thomas Paine (emphasis his)

Here is a little bit more about what I currently believe:

I believe this world is intelligently designed, by likely an energy or force.

I believe all of us are wonderfully made, and we have the capability to do good. The Christian doctrine of original sin was very harmful to my life and I am so sorry that I ever wrote a blog post with that in mind. No, I don’t believe all the good things we do “are worthless” unless we accept the God/human blood sacrifice of Jesus any longer. Paul, I’m talking to you.

I believe every person in this world is sacred. Every person is valuable, beautiful, and important! Women, go ahead and teach men if you’d like to. Again, I’m disappointed in you, Paul. Or maybe I should say, writer who would like for us to think he was Paul. There is so much I could say about this. I think the men who wrote the Bible did not fairly or accurately portray women in a lot of instances. I bought this hook, line, and sinker.

I am still passionate about virtuous living. I believe it is the key to “the good life”. It is for everyone! Christianity teaches that you can’t be truly virtuous apart from Jesus dwelling in you. I think everyone has this “Jesus,” or Presence of God inside of them. It is called many different names around the world.

I believe the blessings that I thought were from walking the Evangelical Christian walk were likely from making virtuous choices and trying to honor creation. This is the way to peace.

I believe most of us are simply trying to do their best, and religion is a way for a lot of us to live for God in a virtuous way. As long as you are not hurting anyone, religion can add a beautiful dimension to your life!

I believe God wouldn’t send a person to “eternal suffering in hell” simply for never hearing about the God/human blood sacrifice of Jesus. I believe hell is not actually real…it is an imagination of the church meant to scare people.

I guess, there you have it. Theology by Nicole. All of us are theologians, aren’t we?

Going forward, my focus on this blog will likely be about cultivating a beautiful life, along with some life updates sprinkled in. Let me know if you want me to share this type of content from time to time. I find it fascinating, but I am not here to share my current spiritual thoughts unless you find it helpful.

Below, I am going to list some of the resources I read this year along with resources on my “to read” list. I hope you check them out if you are interested. As you can probably tell, I think it is important to test our faith and consider other ideas if something doesn’t seem quite right. Even for devout Christians, I believe many of these resources would be useful. Many Christians have a good understanding of historical/critical Biblical study, and still hold strong to their beliefs.

Again, this is my story. Any quotes, articles, and other resources I’ve shared here are only to explain my own position.

Most of all, I hope you stick around. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this post, and may we all encourage and accept each other on this journey called life. I consider all of you friends!

Book List:

Christ Before Creeds by Jeff Deuble

Paul and Jesus by James Tabor

Paul’s Ascent to Paradise by James Tabor

Who Wrote the Bible? by Richard Friedman (this is a good introduction to OT critical study)

Let’s Get Biblical by Tovia Singer (this helped me understand contradictions between the OT and NT)

Jesus, Interrupted by Bart Ehrman

Forged by Bart Ehrman

Misquoting Jesus by Bart Ehrman

How Jesus Became God by Bart Ehrman

God: An Anatomy by Francesca Stavrakopoulou

The Early History of God: Yahweh and the Other Deities of Ancient Israel by Mark Smith

The Jesus Dynasty by James Tabor

Why the Bible Began by Jacob Wright

The Hidden Face of God by Richard Friedman

The Exodus by Richard Friedman

The Invention of Religion – Faith and Covenant in the Book of Exodus by Jan Assmann

Yahweh and the Gods and Goddesses of Canaan by John Day

The Faces of God: Canaanite Mythology as Hebrew Theology by Jacob Rabinowitz

Caesar’s Messiah by Joseph Atwill

The End of All Things is at Hand by Jack Pyle

Revealing Matthew’s Secrets by Jason LaCross

All That’s Wrong with the Bible by Jonah Conner

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